THE MAKING OF "BODY: THE VALUE OF WOMEN"

I was a high-fashion model in Japan and Los Angeles.  I modeled for Gianni Versace, Christian Dior, and Kenzo and I still felt fat all the time.

When I got into the film industry and moved to Los Angeles from Santa Fe, New Mexico, I experienced a culture shock.  I observed my model and actress friends not ever feeling good enough, and all my “normal” friends talking non-stop about what they didn’t like about their bodies, hair, skin, teeth.

Since I was 17 I started feeling fat and always just a little overweight.  If only I could lose 10 or 15 pounds, then I’d be perfect.  And then I was 40 and I still felt the same way.  I realized it was twenty-three years of feeling that “someday I’ll be good enough, just not now” feeling. 

I stumbled across a book on the internet called, “Women En Large: Images of Fat Nudes” photographed by Laurie Toby Edison and written by Debbie Notkin.  I called and told them that the topic interested me and though I hadn’t been drawn to documentaries that someday I’d like to do a documentary on body image.  Well, they called my bluff and I found myself trying to prove why they should take me seriously.

A few months later, I was traveling across the country with my black lab Max and a one-chip Panasonic DV910 mini-dv camera, in my father’s van that my siblings and I had inherited when he passed away.  I was on my journey to interview women from all kinds of ages, races, socio-economic, religions, sizes and shapes to find out if everyone was as insecure about their bodies as I was and why we felt the way we did.

I found out that yes, indeed, most women don’t like their bodies for one reason or another and that there are many causes of that constant feeling that something is missing.  There’s something wrong that once fixed will make all the pieces of the puzzle float right into place and suddenly happiness will flow like a glistening stream down the gentle rolling hills of life.

It was interesting that the closer I was to a large urban area, the lower the self-esteem.  The more rural the family, the less they watched TV or bought magazines, the higher and more balanced the self-esteem.  I’m not a psychologist, but it seemed a pretty obvious connection.  And the more the mother’s didn’t believe their outer appearance defined who they were as a person, the more the daughters seemed to like who they were without trying to fit into some mold or commercial programming.  They didn’t seem to constantly compare themselves to a fantasy girl or woman from the media.

A POWERFUL TRICK FOR MOTHERS & FATHERS:

I interviewed some psychologists and therapists learning that when we’re young, little boys are praised on qualities that continue to grow and expand with age and little girls are praised on qualities that diminish with age.  The need to praise girls/women on their specific talents and skills to maintain a healthy self-worth and self-esteem is crucial.  Families can encourage everyone around these girls to do the same to ensure no matter what she chooses to do in life, she will always feel good about herself.

Praise for boys: 

“Jack, you run so fast, you’re so smart, you’re so strong, you’re great at math, you’re so good with your computer, with your Erector Set, you’re going to grow up to be an engineer/architect/ builder/scientist/etc.”  Jack gets his self-worth from his innate abilities and strengths that continue to grow and develop as he does.  Even into his 50’s, 60’s, 70’s, he knows that he’s capable, whole, getting better and knowing more about what he does well.”

Praise for girls: 

“Jillie, you’re such a pretty girl, what a cute bow, barrette, dress, shoes, hair, face, doll, you’re so nice, and you play so nice with the other children.”  Jill gets her self-worth from her outward appearance, her looks, her hair, what clothes and shoes she wears, her ability or lack of ability to be “nice” to other regardless of how she really feels or what she really thinks. 

HOUSE OF CARDS:

Her self-esteem is built on a house of cards as she ages.  She will compare her looks to see if she’s better than, equal to, or less than every other woman as a measurement of who she is as a human being.  Even if she feels just normal about herself it is an inner battle to refuse the

Her looks may bloom up to the age of 35 and then it’s all downhill from there.  Jill may have put the majority of her energy and time into improving the outside and spent very little on getting to know herself.  As the ever-evolving qualities that everyone had given her so much praise for naturally turn into wrinkles, age spots, thin skin, and gray hair, her self-worth diminishes. 

While spiritually, aging is beautiful and bring wisdom, true power, and grace, if all Jill’s eggs are in the “I am my beauty” basket, aging is going to be a scramble.  Jill will become more and more dissatisfied with herself, other, and life itself as she continues to live.

A divorce, illness, death of a loved one, children moving out of the house may jostle Jill out of her illusion and reconnect her with her true self and all will be well in the end.  But sometimes Jill is just too stuck in her “reality” that what is seen is all there is.  (I interviewed one woman whose best friend committed suicide at 35, because she didn’t want to see herself age any further.)

The things we are praised on when we’re young and easily influenced sources our self-esteem as we continually build upon, transform, and develop these qualities.  You can never give boys or girls too much non-manipulative acknowledgment, praise and acceptance for who they are. 

HEALTHY ACKNOWLEDGMENTS:

Here are some examples of healthier acknowlegments and praises for Jill’s innate abilities and talents that will continue to improve and develop into her 50’s, 60’s and 70’s:

Wow Jill, you sure are good at math!

Jill, you’re so good with colors and drawing!

You really like to put things together, don’t you?

I love the way you like to get ready for things.  You sure do think ahead.

You really love horses, don’t you?

You’re a very independent girl, aren’t you, you like to do things all by yourself!  And you do them so well!

You look so happy today! What’s making you feel so good? Tell me all about it.

You run so fast.

You’re a great dancer!

You’re very good with animals, Jill, and they really like you.

You’re a very smart girl to figure out all that stuff on the computer all by yourself.

Wow, Jill, if you did that, you can do anything!

Basically, focusing on very specific things that take all that attention off Jill’s appearance and putting it on who she’s really being in that moment.  She’s always expressing herself and what she likes.  She’s always being herself and it just takes a shift in focus to bring out and expand on what makes Jill, Jill.

Although I personally still find myself feeling judgmental about my body and about fat once in a while, it doesn’t define me and my potential.  I am living my life with my wonderful body, instead of against it.  I am  larger in size than I’ve ever been, and I like and love myself more than I ever have before.  I feel good enough just the way I am now and I’m really enjoying being alive.

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